Best You Tube Video Ever
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Finally: A Sensitive Hero For Our Enlightened Modern Age
For no reason whatsoever I give you... Italian Spiderman.
Trailer:
And First Webisode:
Too bad the mask is kind of implausible. I mean it's totally obvious that Italian Spiderman is actually Joe Tucci. Other than that, it's pretty good stuff though.
Trailer:
And First Webisode:
Too bad the mask is kind of implausible. I mean it's totally obvious that Italian Spiderman is actually Joe Tucci. Other than that, it's pretty good stuff though.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Spot the Messiah!
So I'm a little behind in my amateur political punditry lately. My pop culture obsession seems to have overcome my penchant for political pondering by a ratio of roughly ten bazillion to one lately.
But that is not to say I lack the ability to link to something clever, funny, quiz-like AND political on a fine Friday afternoon. I give you.... Is it Jesus or is it Barack Obama?
But that is not to say I lack the ability to link to something clever, funny, quiz-like AND political on a fine Friday afternoon. I give you.... Is it Jesus or is it Barack Obama?
Monday, March 17, 2008
A Funny
It's an old one but, in the name of keeping down my reputation for taste and restraint, a Saint Patrick's Day offering for you...
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Searching for the Next Bill Buckley
As anyone reading any substantive blogs or even ancient-media news sources knows, the great William F. Buckley died yesterday. And rather than write an extensive hagiography here, I'm going to utilize the amazing superiority of modern media and link to a few already done. Ha! Take that, dead-tree media! Take that O'Reilly!
Now, where was I? Oh, right...
As this last presidential campaign season indicated, the right hasn't done a good job replacing the late Ronald Reagan. Candidate after candidate has tried to present themselves as the legitimate heir to Reagan, and the conservative movement has largely yawned, shrugged their shoulders and shouted, "Next!"
Let's not allow it to come to that as we now begin our search for the next Bill Buckley. Let's be proactive and start our search before his body is even allowed to cool. In poor taste you say? Umm... yeah. Where did you think you were reading this? National Geographic?!
So anyway, interested parties can submit their applications along with their qualifications through comments or e-mail here. A winner will be announced some time in the undecided shadowy future. Feel free to draft uninterested or even unsuitable parties and submit them, as this role is simply too important to be confined to those with nothing better to do than read this blog (no offense intended).
Now, where was I? Oh, right...
As this last presidential campaign season indicated, the right hasn't done a good job replacing the late Ronald Reagan. Candidate after candidate has tried to present themselves as the legitimate heir to Reagan, and the conservative movement has largely yawned, shrugged their shoulders and shouted, "Next!"
Let's not allow it to come to that as we now begin our search for the next Bill Buckley. Let's be proactive and start our search before his body is even allowed to cool. In poor taste you say? Umm... yeah. Where did you think you were reading this? National Geographic?!
So anyway, interested parties can submit their applications along with their qualifications through comments or e-mail here. A winner will be announced some time in the undecided shadowy future. Feel free to draft uninterested or even unsuitable parties and submit them, as this role is simply too important to be confined to those with nothing better to do than read this blog (no offense intended).
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Thursday Morning Funny
Those of you who don't remember the Idol posting routine may not recall how this goes, but I generally get that thing posted around lunch-timish the day following the show. So we'll have the reaction to the "girls" last night a bit later.
If you're looking for some quick entertainment before them, here's something the good wife forwarded me by e-mail. I have no idea what the source is, but it's pretty funny. I give you...
The Front Fell Off.
If you're looking for some quick entertainment before them, here's something the good wife forwarded me by e-mail. I have no idea what the source is, but it's pretty funny. I give you...
The Front Fell Off.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Nice Footwork
Learned Foot's extended metaphor about the cola wars bears striking resemblence to some other pressing issue of the day. But I can't quite put my finger on what precisely that might be.
Anyway, I sympathized with his metaphorical protagonist. I laughed; I cried; it wasbetter than Cats mildly amusing. Expecially the part where he said "I use widgets to probesce flocuals." I mean... who hasn't been there before?
Anyway, I sympathized with his metaphorical protagonist. I laughed; I cried; it was
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Coincidence? Or Wrong Turn at Door County?
Scientists seek hairy man-beast occasionally spotted in the wilderness of Michigan's Upper Peninsula.
Especially hairyblogger Thunderjournalist, LearnedFoot, known to occasionally prowl the wilderness of neighboring Wisconsin, goes missing.
These might be entirely unrelated. Then again...
Especially hairy
These might be entirely unrelated. Then again...
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Blog for Uranus: What Uranus Means to Me
I am proud to participate in the
It was twenty one years ago today that the space probe Voyager 2 made its closest pass to the planet Uranus. This stunning achievement did more than merely free us from the shameful ignorance that characterized the pre-Uranus era; it also provided hope to a whole generation of astronomers who would never again be stifled by terrestrial methods of observing this great celestial body.
It's likely difficult for younger astronomers to even remember what it was like to study Uranus prior to Voyager 2. Uranus is, after all, 2,870,990,000 km from the Sun. That makes it ducedly hard to study from all the way down her on earth. Those pioneer astronomers tried to soup up their telescopes as much as they could. But still, it was a darker age of Uranus study, not even cognizant of the fact that Uranus possesses rings, or the fact that Uranus' sideways rotation creates a unique effect on its magnetic field observable no where else in the solar system.
But what were those early astronomers to do? Should they attach wire coat hangers to their telescopes to try to get better reception? Heck no! They did something far more laudable. They created a pioneering space vessel and sent it off to clear way our ignorance once and for all.
I for one am proud to be walking in the footsteps of those giants who came before me, bringing the heavens closer to earth. I am proud to blog for Uranus.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
SOTU Reaction
Isn't the president supposed to say "The State of the Union is strong," right at the start so all the Congress-critters can stand and holler and cheer? Am I the only one disturbed that this pablum tradition was omitted?!
It's not like he'd confess the state of the union was not strong. But by keeping silent on the matter, wasn't he implying as much?!
To arms, Minnesota Militia! I expect secessionism to be breaking out soon! Prepare to join the Union cause as you have of old. Rally to the flag! Put down the rebellion!
Damn, that harkens back to some heady days to be a Republican. Can't say the ideas put out tonight really measure up.
It's not like he'd confess the state of the union was not strong. But by keeping silent on the matter, wasn't he implying as much?!
To arms, Minnesota Militia! I expect secessionism to be breaking out soon! Prepare to join the Union cause as you have of old. Rally to the flag! Put down the rebellion!
Damn, that harkens back to some heady days to be a Republican. Can't say the ideas put out tonight really measure up.
Talking Back to Futile Web Searches
One of the wonderful things about having a blog is how people come to rely upon you as a important source of information. You can tell this because of the kind of web searches that bring people to your blog. I get people surfing in here looking for important information on decomposing mice, the occasional wine review, and of course that super-hot picture of Caterina Murino.
However there are times when you can't help but feel you've let some inquisitive visitors down; times when you can tell that your blog failed to help them in their quest for information. And so, as I have occasionally done in the past, I intend to make it up to some of those people by answering their questions.
The following are actual questions people typed into search engines that somehow landed them here.
"who will hire me? i'm a 54 year old man"
The good news for you is that the economy is booming at the moment. The bad news is you seem to think a qualification like being 54 years old is what employers are looking for. Sadly for you, they tend to be more impressed by things like useful skills, prior experience, and good personal hygiene. Give your resume another shot and then come back for more advice.
"why is gold important"
It may surprise you to learn this, but gold is basically just a shiny rock and is not inherently important. However, anything people will pay close to $650 per ounce for is important for the same reason a fat roll of twenty dollar bills is important: because you can rub it in the face of poor people and feel superior.
"when's the last time minnesota's federal wage increased?"
You might find this unusual, but Minnesota is actually a state and not a sovereign nation. Therefore Minnesota's federal minimum wage (I'm presuming we're talking about minimum wage here) increased is the last time the federal minimum wage increased for everyone else. True story.
"what kind of medical problems does paula abdul claim to have"
Whatever it takes to get her the best pills.
"what is the lifespan of a macaroni penguin"
Is the macaroni cooked, or uncooked? Come on, people. I'm not a mind reader.
"what are some things that were invented when Rutherford B. Hayes was president?"
Let's see. Hayes was president from March 4, 1877 through March 4, 1881. Interestingly enough on the very day of his inauguration, the microphone was invented by Emile Berliner. So there's one for you. Thomas Edison invented the phonograph later that year. Speaking of Edison, the first successful light bulb was invented while Hayes was president. The cash register was invented in 1880 by James and John Ritty.
All of that's according to Wikipedia, so it must be true.
"what everyday house chemicals cause explosions?"
I don't know, but I have a few guesses. The Formula 409 has always seemed a little shifty to me. And whenever I ask it about it's whereabouts at the time of the Oklahoma City bombing he clams up. And that darned household chemicals mutual code of silence makes the Clorox and Bon-Ami useless as snitches. Just play it safe and don't let them see where you keep your fireworks and you should be fine.
There we are. Another public service performed by a responsible member of the new media. You may all politely applaud now.
However there are times when you can't help but feel you've let some inquisitive visitors down; times when you can tell that your blog failed to help them in their quest for information. And so, as I have occasionally done in the past, I intend to make it up to some of those people by answering their questions.
The following are actual questions people typed into search engines that somehow landed them here.
"who will hire me? i'm a 54 year old man"
The good news for you is that the economy is booming at the moment. The bad news is you seem to think a qualification like being 54 years old is what employers are looking for. Sadly for you, they tend to be more impressed by things like useful skills, prior experience, and good personal hygiene. Give your resume another shot and then come back for more advice.
"why is gold important"
It may surprise you to learn this, but gold is basically just a shiny rock and is not inherently important. However, anything people will pay close to $650 per ounce for is important for the same reason a fat roll of twenty dollar bills is important: because you can rub it in the face of poor people and feel superior.
"when's the last time minnesota's federal wage increased?"
You might find this unusual, but Minnesota is actually a state and not a sovereign nation. Therefore Minnesota's federal minimum wage (I'm presuming we're talking about minimum wage here) increased is the last time the federal minimum wage increased for everyone else. True story.
"what kind of medical problems does paula abdul claim to have"
Whatever it takes to get her the best pills.
"what is the lifespan of a macaroni penguin"
Is the macaroni cooked, or uncooked? Come on, people. I'm not a mind reader.
"what are some things that were invented when Rutherford B. Hayes was president?"
Let's see. Hayes was president from March 4, 1877 through March 4, 1881. Interestingly enough on the very day of his inauguration, the microphone was invented by Emile Berliner. So there's one for you. Thomas Edison invented the phonograph later that year. Speaking of Edison, the first successful light bulb was invented while Hayes was president. The cash register was invented in 1880 by James and John Ritty.
All of that's according to Wikipedia, so it must be true.
"what everyday house chemicals cause explosions?"
I don't know, but I have a few guesses. The Formula 409 has always seemed a little shifty to me. And whenever I ask it about it's whereabouts at the time of the Oklahoma City bombing he clams up. And that darned household chemicals mutual code of silence makes the Clorox and Bon-Ami useless as snitches. Just play it safe and don't let them see where you keep your fireworks and you should be fine.
There we are. Another public service performed by a responsible member of the new media. You may all politely applaud now.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Breaking News: Sharks Dominate Voter Concerns. Reverberations Felt in Congressional Race
Over at the Frat House, Chad the Elder has taken note of a menace looming below the political radar with major political implications.
The results of their latest poll concerning "What is the gravest danger currently threatening The Republic?" are in. And coming in ahead of all other issues?
Sharks.
This has HUGE implications for the congressional race focused upon by the Coalition of Growing a Pair.
Do we even know where Tammy Lee STANDS on the shark issue? Do YOU know, Mr. Gary "squeals like a girl when Tammy writes to me" Miller?
Let's assume for the sake of laziness that Keith Ellison is pro-shark. Wouldn't it make sense for Tammy Lee to issue an anti-shark statement differentiating her from Mr. Ellison if she were truly anti-shark? And yet, an extensive search reveals Lee's total silence on this topic. More intriguingly, there is some indication that Ms. Lee may actually be WITH the sharks!
This is a good lesson in why you should NOT endorse candidates without doing thorough research.
Alan Fine. Anti-shark. Good for Minnesota.
The results of their latest poll concerning "What is the gravest danger currently threatening The Republic?" are in. And coming in ahead of all other issues?
Sharks.
This has HUGE implications for the congressional race focused upon by the Coalition of Growing a Pair.
Do we even know where Tammy Lee STANDS on the shark issue? Do YOU know, Mr. Gary "squeals like a girl when Tammy writes to me" Miller?
Let's assume for the sake of laziness that Keith Ellison is pro-shark. Wouldn't it make sense for Tammy Lee to issue an anti-shark statement differentiating her from Mr. Ellison if she were truly anti-shark? And yet, an extensive search reveals Lee's total silence on this topic. More intriguingly, there is some indication that Ms. Lee may actually be WITH the sharks!
This is a good lesson in why you should NOT endorse candidates without doing thorough research.
Alan Fine. Anti-shark. Good for Minnesota.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Chapter 6: That Ain't No Freedom Dog
As the devastation continues to rage through the formerly placid, if crime-ridden, metropolis, we cut away to a scene on a dramatically justified, though entirely fictional, hillside overlooking the city.
Guilt ridden KARnies are gathered pondering the consequences of their arrogant and reckless pursuit of a nuclear deterrant.
Notorious B. I. L.: Golly gee willikers! Look at the destruction!
Learned Foot: And such a metaphor for current geo-political events!
Dementee: HE EAT MORE MOONBAT THAN DEMENTEE!!
Obnoxious Packer Guy: (groans while lying on the ground)
Bill: Well at least OPG is wracked with guilt and moaning in remorse.
LF: No, he's just sleeping off a couple cases of Old Milwaukee.
Dementee: LOOK OUT! HE EAT TRAIN NOW!
The Monstrous Creature lets out a triumphal roar as he grabs a light rail train full of shrieking Minneapolitons attempting to flee.
Monstrous Creature: RRRAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!! (chomp chomp)
LF: Are we sure that thing really used to be Bogus Doug? The way he's going after that light rail I see more of a resemblence to David Strom.
Bill: Well test results after the accident showed a 78% probability that it was Bogus Doug.
LF: 78%?! What about the other 22%?
Bill: Well... there is a slight possibility...
Bogus Doug wanders up, looking around aimlessly holding an empty leash...
Bogus Doug: Hey guys, have any of you seen my dog?
LF: Doug?!
Bill: Doug?!!
DEMENTEE: DOUG?!!!
OPG: (moans)
Doug: What's the matter? You guys look like you've seen a leathery-green, atomic powered, enormous ghost. (looks down upon the city) Holy crap! What's that?!
LF: We thought it was you!
Bill: (nods)
Doug: Me? Why the heck would you think it was me?
Bill: Jeepers! How to explain?
LF: See, there was this... unfortunate incident. Involving a nuclear test. It was supposed to be below ground, but...
Dementee: WE THINK BOMB MUTATE DOUG INTO GIANT LIZARD, TEACHING AGE OLD WARNING ABOUT MAN TINKERING WITH FORCES OF NATURE!!
Doug: (looks down at creature) I don't see the resemblence.
LF: Well after the accident Bill ran some tests.
Bill: Darn tootin' I did! And your place definitely took the brunt of the radioactive fallout. I don't know how you could have survived!
Doug: Well I haven't really been spending much time there lately. I thought everyone knew that. The only one there lately has been my dog, Former Deputy Mayor Fluffenstuff. He's supposed to be guest-blogging, but all he ever does is search the web for old Fred Basset cartoons and play solitaire.
As if on cue, the gigantic creature below lifts its leg and urinates on the Minneapolis City Hall
LF: (stunned silence)
Bill: (stunned silence)
Dementee: (stunned silence)
Doug: (stunned silence)
OPG: (moans)
Doug: Deputy Mayor Fluffenstuff never was a big supporter of the city's smoking ban.
LF: May God have mercy on the cat bloggers now.
Doug: I guess this means I lost my guest blogger. (sigh) Back to the grindstone.
Guilt ridden KARnies are gathered pondering the consequences of their arrogant and reckless pursuit of a nuclear deterrant.
Notorious B. I. L.: Golly gee willikers! Look at the destruction!
Learned Foot: And such a metaphor for current geo-political events!
Dementee:
Obnoxious Packer Guy: (groans while lying on the ground)
Bill: Well at least OPG is wracked with guilt and moaning in remorse.
LF: No, he's just sleeping off a couple cases of Old Milwaukee.
Dementee: LOOK OUT! HE EAT TRAIN NOW!
The Monstrous Creature lets out a triumphal roar as he grabs a light rail train full of shrieking Minneapolitons attempting to flee.
Monstrous Creature: RRRAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!! (chomp chomp)
LF: Are we sure that thing really used to be Bogus Doug? The way he's going after that light rail I see more of a resemblence to David Strom.
Bill: Well test results after the accident showed a 78% probability that it was Bogus Doug.
LF: 78%?! What about the other 22%?
Bill: Well... there is a slight possibility...
Bogus Doug wanders up, looking around aimlessly holding an empty leash...
Bogus Doug: Hey guys, have any of you seen my dog?
LF: Doug?!
Bill: Doug?!!
DEMENTEE: DOUG?!!!
OPG: (moans)
Doug: What's the matter? You guys look like you've seen a leathery-green, atomic powered, enormous ghost. (looks down upon the city) Holy crap! What's that?!
LF: We thought it was you!
Bill: (nods)
Doug: Me? Why the heck would you think it was me?
Bill: Jeepers! How to explain?
LF: See, there was this... unfortunate incident. Involving a nuclear test. It was supposed to be below ground, but...
Dementee: WE THINK BOMB MUTATE DOUG INTO GIANT LIZARD, TEACHING AGE OLD WARNING ABOUT MAN TINKERING WITH FORCES OF NATURE!!
Doug: (looks down at creature) I don't see the resemblence.
LF: Well after the accident Bill ran some tests.
Bill: Darn tootin' I did! And your place definitely took the brunt of the radioactive fallout. I don't know how you could have survived!
Doug: Well I haven't really been spending much time there lately. I thought everyone knew that. The only one there lately has been my dog, Former Deputy Mayor Fluffenstuff. He's supposed to be guest-blogging, but all he ever does is search the web for old Fred Basset cartoons and play solitaire.
As if on cue, the gigantic creature below lifts its leg and urinates on the Minneapolis City Hall
LF: (stunned silence)
Bill: (stunned silence)
Dementee: (stunned silence)
Doug: (stunned silence)
OPG: (moans)
Doug: Deputy Mayor Fluffenstuff never was a big supporter of the city's smoking ban.
LF: May God have mercy on the cat bloggers now.
Doug: I guess this means I lost my guest blogger. (sigh) Back to the grindstone.
Related Posts (on one page):
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Chapter 5: Even Mutated Monstrosities Like Football
In midwest in the autumn, attention on the weekend tends to drift to football, and, irony of ironies, the creature ripped the roof off the sports department of the newspaper next.
Sadly, most being in the grips of their sports junkie stupor, many continued their conversations without regards to the threat.
Sports Writer 1: No no, I'm sticking with my prediction. I like picking the gophers to upset Wisconsin in Madison today. That Glen Mason will have his team ready to play, and catch those badgers totally offgau...
The conversation was interrupted with a sickening crunch as the creature mercifully bit off the head of the deluded sports writer, cutting short his idiotic rambling.
Sports Writer 2: The Missouri Tigers face a real test today at College Station meeting the Aggies. But you have to like their chances. The surprise of this team this year has been not only the play of sophomore quarterback, but that Tiger defense. Look for Mizzou to win this one for their best start since 1960...
The creature, for unfathomable reasons, passes this one by.
Sports Writer 3: Florida and Auburn isn't quite the marquis matchup it would have been before Arkansas' thrashing of the Tigers on their own field last week. The words "paper tigers" must have been ringing in the Auburn players' ears. all week. Meanwhile Florida's QB combo of Leak and Tebow have been hearing talk of a national championship. So I see Florida walking in overconfident. Look for the upset here with Auburn shaking up the SEC and the...
STOMP... the poor befuddled sports writer is left a pile of goo by a carefully placed foot of the creature. Sad that his last words would be proven stupid mere hours from that moment.
Sports Writer 4: Michigan travels to Penn State this weekend, recalling the Wolverines dashing of Nittany Lions' national title hopes a year ago. Will we see a turnabout of that favor this year as 4th ranked Michigan visits Happy Valley? Don't count on it. The Michigan defense is too stout, and their running game is much improved as well. Those spell road success in the Big 10.
Once again the creature mysteriously passes this fortunate fellow by, only to focus on a gaggle in the corner...
Sports Writer 5: Nebraska? Who the heck cares about Nebraska anymore. I'll bet Kansas State kicks their tails today, showing Bill Callahan to be the fraud he is, and...
But the ill informed, clueless, and arrogant fellow doesn't get to finish the thought, as the creature flicks forward a claw, tearing the man's torso from his legs and shooting it across the room. Oblivious to this fact, his companion responds.
Sports Writer 6: No, I'm going to have to disagree with you there. That Nebraska offense is the real deal. QB Zac Taylor is among the best in the nation in almost every passing category. The K-State pass defense is weak. And Nebraska is once again one of the nation's top rushing teams, preventing Kansas State from focusing on the pass alone. I see Nebraska not just winning but winning big on the road here.
The creature spares this one, and other frightened sportsies in the room take note. As the creature reaches for another to much on he squeaks out hopefully?
Terrified Sports Guy 1: G... Go Big Red?
The creature inexplicably spares him and reaches for another, who also takes note...
Terrified Sports Guy 2: Husker Power?
Once again the creature spares the man and moves on. The rest of the terrified sports writers take note and begin madly crying out... "Go Big Red!" and "Husker Power."
For reasons fathomable only in the creatures atomically mutated mind it seems appeased and leaves the rest of the writers alone to move on to wreak destruction elsewhere. Would that the rest of humanity only learned the wisdom of cheering for Nebraska before they too meet an awful fate.
For my own sake I'm convinced. GO BIG RED!
Sadly, most being in the grips of their sports junkie stupor, many continued their conversations without regards to the threat.
Sports Writer 1: No no, I'm sticking with my prediction. I like picking the gophers to upset Wisconsin in Madison today. That Glen Mason will have his team ready to play, and catch those badgers totally offgau...
The conversation was interrupted with a sickening crunch as the creature mercifully bit off the head of the deluded sports writer, cutting short his idiotic rambling.
Sports Writer 2: The Missouri Tigers face a real test today at College Station meeting the Aggies. But you have to like their chances. The surprise of this team this year has been not only the play of sophomore quarterback, but that Tiger defense. Look for Mizzou to win this one for their best start since 1960...
The creature, for unfathomable reasons, passes this one by.
Sports Writer 3: Florida and Auburn isn't quite the marquis matchup it would have been before Arkansas' thrashing of the Tigers on their own field last week. The words "paper tigers" must have been ringing in the Auburn players' ears. all week. Meanwhile Florida's QB combo of Leak and Tebow have been hearing talk of a national championship. So I see Florida walking in overconfident. Look for the upset here with Auburn shaking up the SEC and the...
STOMP... the poor befuddled sports writer is left a pile of goo by a carefully placed foot of the creature. Sad that his last words would be proven stupid mere hours from that moment.
Sports Writer 4: Michigan travels to Penn State this weekend, recalling the Wolverines dashing of Nittany Lions' national title hopes a year ago. Will we see a turnabout of that favor this year as 4th ranked Michigan visits Happy Valley? Don't count on it. The Michigan defense is too stout, and their running game is much improved as well. Those spell road success in the Big 10.
Once again the creature mysteriously passes this fortunate fellow by, only to focus on a gaggle in the corner...
Sports Writer 5: Nebraska? Who the heck cares about Nebraska anymore. I'll bet Kansas State kicks their tails today, showing Bill Callahan to be the fraud he is, and...
But the ill informed, clueless, and arrogant fellow doesn't get to finish the thought, as the creature flicks forward a claw, tearing the man's torso from his legs and shooting it across the room. Oblivious to this fact, his companion responds.
Sports Writer 6: No, I'm going to have to disagree with you there. That Nebraska offense is the real deal. QB Zac Taylor is among the best in the nation in almost every passing category. The K-State pass defense is weak. And Nebraska is once again one of the nation's top rushing teams, preventing Kansas State from focusing on the pass alone. I see Nebraska not just winning but winning big on the road here.
The creature spares this one, and other frightened sportsies in the room take note. As the creature reaches for another to much on he squeaks out hopefully?
Terrified Sports Guy 1: G... Go Big Red?
The creature inexplicably spares him and reaches for another, who also takes note...
Terrified Sports Guy 2: Husker Power?
Once again the creature spares the man and moves on. The rest of the terrified sports writers take note and begin madly crying out... "Go Big Red!" and "Husker Power."
For reasons fathomable only in the creatures atomically mutated mind it seems appeased and leaves the rest of the writers alone to move on to wreak destruction elsewhere. Would that the rest of humanity only learned the wisdom of cheering for Nebraska before they too meet an awful fate.
For my own sake I'm convinced. GO BIG RED!
Related Posts (on one page):
- Chapter 6: That Ain't No Freedom Dog
- Chapter 5: Even Mutated Monstrosities Like Football
- Chapter 4: Everyone's a Critic
- Chapter 3: Breaking Into The Newspaper Business
- Chapter 2: Tokyo Breathes a Sigh of Relief
- Ominous Rumblings From The Deep
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Chapter 4: Everyone's a Critic
The unnatural monstrosity had quickly and unexpectedly decended upon the institution ironically counted on by so many to alert them of danger. Now it was the shepherds themselves to feel the wrath of the wolf... if something over a hundred feet tall, leathery, green and full of atomic energy can be described as a "wolf."
An unexpecting pair of fellow speakers of truth to power walk down the hall deep in conversation, unaware gigantic mutated danger looms.
Unexpecting Staff Cartoonist: No, no. That was my point. It's THOSE guys that do that. They still blame everything on Clinton.
Unexpecting Devil's Advocate: Look, I'm not saying they don't. It's just that... you kind of blame everything on Bush. Which some might conclude pretty much the same thing.
Unexpecting Staff Cartoonist: I can't believe you'd be so unsophisticated in your opinion! How can you possibly see ANYTHING alike between the two?!
Unexpecting Devil's Advocate: Hey, hey! Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I would ever believe such a thing. I'm just playing Devil's Advocate, you know? I mean like, it could be said...
Unexpecting Staff Cartoonist: Pfft! Maybe on hate radio! Or in some Rethuglican propaganda machine like FOX News. The serious political minds in the reality based community all realize...
With a loud tearing of metal and concrete, the roof once comfortably over their heads is torn away, and they stare up at a glowering creature full of rage, and nuclear mojo, entirely unsated by his previous snack.
Unexpecting Staff Cartoonist: What in the name of Wellstone is...
But he never gets to finish his question as the great beast scoops up both men and pops them into his slobbering maw. With a sickening crunch, he smashes their bones and bodies into a tasty pulp and swallows them down.
... More lives cut short by the foolish acts of mankind experimenting with the forbidden forces of the universe. Like Prometheus bringing fire from the gods only to have his wings singed off flying too close to... no wait... that was Icarus with the wings and the sun. What the heck happened to Prometheus? Chained to a rock or something. Did the ancient Greeks have any appreciation for irony and poetic justice? I mean think about it... Prometheus brings fire from the gods. Shouldn't fire have been his downfall? But I digress...
Oh where will this horrid creature turn next to punish all mankind for the hubris of a few? Where will this all end? And is this actually even Doug writing these posts at all?
Stay tuned...
An unexpecting pair of fellow speakers of truth to power walk down the hall deep in conversation, unaware gigantic mutated danger looms.
Unexpecting Staff Cartoonist: No, no. That was my point. It's THOSE guys that do that. They still blame everything on Clinton.
Unexpecting Devil's Advocate: Look, I'm not saying they don't. It's just that... you kind of blame everything on Bush. Which some might conclude pretty much the same thing.
Unexpecting Staff Cartoonist: I can't believe you'd be so unsophisticated in your opinion! How can you possibly see ANYTHING alike between the two?!
Unexpecting Devil's Advocate: Hey, hey! Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I would ever believe such a thing. I'm just playing Devil's Advocate, you know? I mean like, it could be said...
Unexpecting Staff Cartoonist: Pfft! Maybe on hate radio! Or in some Rethuglican propaganda machine like FOX News. The serious political minds in the reality based community all realize...
With a loud tearing of metal and concrete, the roof once comfortably over their heads is torn away, and they stare up at a glowering creature full of rage, and nuclear mojo, entirely unsated by his previous snack.
Unexpecting Staff Cartoonist: What in the name of Wellstone is...
But he never gets to finish his question as the great beast scoops up both men and pops them into his slobbering maw. With a sickening crunch, he smashes their bones and bodies into a tasty pulp and swallows them down.
... More lives cut short by the foolish acts of mankind experimenting with the forbidden forces of the universe. Like Prometheus bringing fire from the gods only to have his wings singed off flying too close to... no wait... that was Icarus with the wings and the sun. What the heck happened to Prometheus? Chained to a rock or something. Did the ancient Greeks have any appreciation for irony and poetic justice? I mean think about it... Prometheus brings fire from the gods. Shouldn't fire have been his downfall? But I digress...
Oh where will this horrid creature turn next to punish all mankind for the hubris of a few? Where will this all end? And is this actually even Doug writing these posts at all?
Stay tuned...
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Chapter 3: Breaking Into The Newspaper Business
Scene: The breakroom of a hard workin' local daily newspaper. Hardbitten newshounds sip half-caf mocha lattes with whip, while inscrutable editors with Solon-like expressions line up in front of a vending machine straightening out their hard earned dollar bills to fill themselves with the starchy/sugary/salty morsels within. Smalltalk percolates around the room, oblivious to the fate in store for them that day. We join them in mid conversation...
Hardbitten reporter 1: No, no, I'm pretty sure the people don't fall for any of that. I mean, they know we're on their side against the powerful.
Hardbitten reporter 2: It just makes me so damn mad! Why do people even read that garbage in the... what does Nick call them again? The Bah-lawgs or something? Anyway we obviously struck a nerve. I can already smell the Pulitzer. Imagine if we'd kept silent.
Hardbitten reporter 1: Yep. Like we'd been doing right up until the October before the election.
Hardbitten reporter 2: Exactly. The closer the election came the more of a journalistic reason to report on this.
Hardbitten reporter 1: And it's not like the paper didn't carry similarly hard-hitting exposees on his competitor.
Solon-like Editor 1: Don't mean to interrupt, but I couldn't help over-hearing while getting my cheddar chive Fridays potato skins from the vending machine (note to potential advertisers... this kind of juicy product placement is totally for sale here) but I'm totally behind you guys.
Hardbitten reporter 1: Thanks, chief. I mean... Editor whom we hardly even know, what with our firm wall of separation between editorializing and reporting here at the newspaper.
(Solon-like Editor 1 gives a quizzical expression, then suddenly nods.)
Solon-like Editor 1: OOOOOoooohhh!! Riiiight! The "wall of separation"!
(Solon-like Editor winks.)
Solon-like Editor 1: I gotcha now.
Suddenly and without warning, making this talk of a "wall of separation" seem rather ironic, the actual wall separating the break room from the outdoors is smashed open by a gargantuan leathery green hand.
Monstrous Creature: RAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
Had the creature been less intent on savage destruction and more intent on intellectual debate he might have engaged these hardbitten reporters and Solon-like editors on the merits of their arguments. He might have made points worthy of discussion.
Sadly, the cruel power of the atom had twisted this creature into a thing of rage and destruction....
Hardbitten reporter 1: Hey! Did you have a permit for taking down that wall?! Are you paying your workers a livable wage?! You'd better know who you're messing with, buddy!
The Monstrous Creature picks up the hardbitten reporter and squishes her into bloody goo before it can even pop her into its mouth.
Hardbitten reporter 2: Eeeeek!
Solon-like Editor 1: Heeeeeelp!
The Monstrous Creature looks down upon the pathetic crying newsies. Is there a tinge of human-like pity in its eyes? Have their cries awakened something in the creature that could even be called "human?"
The creature draws back for a moment. It seems the remaining reporter and editor - both now bawling and cuddling together like panicky little girls - might have been spared. But then....
A jet of super-atomic cheap special effects shoots from the mouth of the creature instantly vaporizing them both.
Oh, what more senseless destruction will ensue from man's inability to let the forces of nature alone? Where will the creature turn next in its pursuit of its inscrutable desire for carnage?! (I dunno, but if you're in Minneapolis I wouldn't ride the light rail anytime soon, if you know what I'm sayin'.)
Hardbitten reporter 1: No, no, I'm pretty sure the people don't fall for any of that. I mean, they know we're on their side against the powerful.
Hardbitten reporter 2: It just makes me so damn mad! Why do people even read that garbage in the... what does Nick call them again? The Bah-lawgs or something? Anyway we obviously struck a nerve. I can already smell the Pulitzer. Imagine if we'd kept silent.
Hardbitten reporter 1: Yep. Like we'd been doing right up until the October before the election.
Hardbitten reporter 2: Exactly. The closer the election came the more of a journalistic reason to report on this.
Hardbitten reporter 1: And it's not like the paper didn't carry similarly hard-hitting exposees on his competitor.
Solon-like Editor 1: Don't mean to interrupt, but I couldn't help over-hearing while getting my cheddar chive Fridays potato skins from the vending machine (note to potential advertisers... this kind of juicy product placement is totally for sale here) but I'm totally behind you guys.
Hardbitten reporter 1: Thanks, chief. I mean... Editor whom we hardly even know, what with our firm wall of separation between editorializing and reporting here at the newspaper.
(Solon-like Editor 1 gives a quizzical expression, then suddenly nods.)
Solon-like Editor 1: OOOOOoooohhh!! Riiiight! The "wall of separation"!
(Solon-like Editor winks.)
Solon-like Editor 1: I gotcha now.
Suddenly and without warning, making this talk of a "wall of separation" seem rather ironic, the actual wall separating the break room from the outdoors is smashed open by a gargantuan leathery green hand.
Monstrous Creature: RAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
Had the creature been less intent on savage destruction and more intent on intellectual debate he might have engaged these hardbitten reporters and Solon-like editors on the merits of their arguments. He might have made points worthy of discussion.
Sadly, the cruel power of the atom had twisted this creature into a thing of rage and destruction....
Hardbitten reporter 1: Hey! Did you have a permit for taking down that wall?! Are you paying your workers a livable wage?! You'd better know who you're messing with, buddy!
The Monstrous Creature picks up the hardbitten reporter and squishes her into bloody goo before it can even pop her into its mouth.
Hardbitten reporter 2: Eeeeek!
Solon-like Editor 1: Heeeeeelp!
The Monstrous Creature looks down upon the pathetic crying newsies. Is there a tinge of human-like pity in its eyes? Have their cries awakened something in the creature that could even be called "human?"
The creature draws back for a moment. It seems the remaining reporter and editor - both now bawling and cuddling together like panicky little girls - might have been spared. But then....
A jet of super-atomic cheap special effects shoots from the mouth of the creature instantly vaporizing them both.
Oh, what more senseless destruction will ensue from man's inability to let the forces of nature alone? Where will the creature turn next in its pursuit of its inscrutable desire for carnage?! (I dunno, but if you're in Minneapolis I wouldn't ride the light rail anytime soon, if you know what I'm sayin'.)
Related Posts (on one page):
Chapter 2: Tokyo Breathes a Sigh of Relief
The hulking creature, too horrible to contemplate as real as it moved quickly through the sparsely populated countryside, had now arrived at a major American city. "Why us?! Why, dear God, us?! Why couldn't it head to Tokyo instead?!" came the cries of shocked, terrified, and somewhat caricaturish denizens of said city. Yet who could possibly discern the motivations of such a monstrous beast? It seemed as mindlessly destructive as the horrid weapon which had brought it to life.
And thus who knew why it headed to this particular American city? Who knew why it turned left and began lumbering down Portland Avenue directly toward the offices of scrappy gumshoe reporters, and courageous speakers of Truth to Power?
Who could predict what kind of chaos, bloodshed and destruction might ensue?
And thus who knew why it headed to this particular American city? Who knew why it turned left and began lumbering down Portland Avenue directly toward the offices of scrappy gumshoe reporters, and courageous speakers of Truth to Power?
Who could predict what kind of chaos, bloodshed and destruction might ensue?
Related Posts (on one page):
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Ominous Rumblings From The Deep
Scene opens:
The placid surface of a dormant blog on a sunny day. Pan to a pelican gracefully soaring over the rising sun in the eastern horizon. The calls of seagulls break the peacefull lull of the waters below.
Cue ominous music. A rumbling is heard beneath the surface of the waves. Something isn't right. The seagull calls become alarmed. Birds flee in panic in all directions. Something is stirring beneath the waves.
The waters churn as a horrible, gigantic, and misshapen form begins to rise. Something too horrible to contemplate. Something unnatural to this earth. Something awakened by the horrible forces of nuclear testing, which now rises from the depths and begins a fateful journey toward... mankind.
Oh the horror! What has mankind - especially those tinkering with the power of the atom - done to themselves?! Only time will tell. (But I'll bet a metaphor about unintended consequences isn't far off the mark.)
As the blogworld likes to self-importantly say... Developing.
The placid surface of a dormant blog on a sunny day. Pan to a pelican gracefully soaring over the rising sun in the eastern horizon. The calls of seagulls break the peacefull lull of the waters below.
Cue ominous music. A rumbling is heard beneath the surface of the waves. Something isn't right. The seagull calls become alarmed. Birds flee in panic in all directions. Something is stirring beneath the waves.
The waters churn as a horrible, gigantic, and misshapen form begins to rise. Something too horrible to contemplate. Something unnatural to this earth. Something awakened by the horrible forces of nuclear testing, which now rises from the depths and begins a fateful journey toward... mankind.
Oh the horror! What has mankind - especially those tinkering with the power of the atom - done to themselves?! Only time will tell. (But I'll bet a metaphor about unintended consequences isn't far off the mark.)
As the blogworld likes to self-importantly say... Developing.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Foie Gras Freedom!
So some of you folks thought my previous commitment to foie gras... back before this blog changed its direction to become more freedom oriented... was some kind of namby pamby nigh-unto liberal affectation, did you? Shows what you know...
Freedom never tasted so fuckin' good!
I salute Chicago restaurateurs for flipping the big one to a stupid fuckin' law based upon assinine thinking that says we should be required to be nice to our fucking food.
For fuck sake!! We're not trying to get its daddy's permission to take the fuckin' bird to the prom. We're going to kill the bird, cut out its liver, cook it up, and eat it. Does any of THAT sound terribly fun from the perspective of the "You killed Bambi's Mom!" lobby?! Of course it doesn't. So why listen to their whines about feeding FOOD in an impolite manner?
No idea. But I do know that we now have Ozzie Guillen and Chicago restaurants on the Bogus Gold Champions of Fuckin' Freedom list. Chicago is fast becoming the most fuckin' freedom loving city in the nation!
The illicit substance could be spotted in places it was rarely seen when it was legal: buried in Chicago’s famed deep-dish pizza, in soul food on the South Side, beside beef downtown.
In one of the more unlikely (and opulent) demonstrations of civil disobedience, a handful of restaurants here that never carry foie gras, the fattened livers of ducks and geese, featured it on the very day that Chicago became the first city in the nation to outlaw sale of the delicacy.
Freedom never tasted so fuckin' good!
I salute Chicago restaurateurs for flipping the big one to a stupid fuckin' law based upon assinine thinking that says we should be required to be nice to our fucking food.
For fuck sake!! We're not trying to get its daddy's permission to take the fuckin' bird to the prom. We're going to kill the bird, cut out its liver, cook it up, and eat it. Does any of THAT sound terribly fun from the perspective of the "You killed Bambi's Mom!" lobby?! Of course it doesn't. So why listen to their whines about feeding FOOD in an impolite manner?
No idea. But I do know that we now have Ozzie Guillen and Chicago restaurants on the Bogus Gold Champions of Fuckin' Freedom list. Chicago is fast becoming the most fuckin' freedom loving city in the nation!
