Chapter 3: Breaking Into The Newspaper Business
Scene: The breakroom of a hard workin' local daily newspaper. Hardbitten newshounds sip half-caf mocha lattes with whip, while inscrutable editors with Solon-like expressions line up in front of a vending machine straightening out their hard earned dollar bills to fill themselves with the starchy/sugary/salty morsels within. Smalltalk percolates around the room, oblivious to the fate in store for them that day. We join them in mid conversation...
Hardbitten reporter 1: No, no, I'm pretty sure the people don't fall for any of that. I mean, they know we're on their side against the powerful.
Hardbitten reporter 2: It just makes me so damn mad! Why do people even read that garbage in the... what does Nick call them again? The Bah-lawgs or something? Anyway we obviously struck a nerve. I can already smell the Pulitzer. Imagine if we'd kept silent.
Hardbitten reporter 1: Yep. Like we'd been doing right up until the October before the election.
Hardbitten reporter 2: Exactly. The closer the election came the more of a journalistic reason to report on this.
Hardbitten reporter 1: And it's not like the paper didn't carry similarly hard-hitting exposees on his competitor.
Solon-like Editor 1: Don't mean to interrupt, but I couldn't help over-hearing while getting my cheddar chive Fridays potato skins from the vending machine (note to potential advertisers... this kind of juicy product placement is totally for sale here) but I'm totally behind you guys.
Hardbitten reporter 1: Thanks, chief. I mean... Editor whom we hardly even know, what with our firm wall of separation between editorializing and reporting here at the newspaper.
(Solon-like Editor 1 gives a quizzical expression, then suddenly nods.)
Solon-like Editor 1: OOOOOoooohhh!! Riiiight! The "wall of separation"!
(Solon-like Editor winks.)
Solon-like Editor 1: I gotcha now.
Suddenly and without warning, making this talk of a "wall of separation" seem rather ironic, the actual wall separating the break room from the outdoors is smashed open by a gargantuan leathery green hand.
Monstrous Creature: RAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
Had the creature been less intent on savage destruction and more intent on intellectual debate he might have engaged these hardbitten reporters and Solon-like editors on the merits of their arguments. He might have made points worthy of discussion.
Sadly, the cruel power of the atom had twisted this creature into a thing of rage and destruction....
Hardbitten reporter 1: Hey! Did you have a permit for taking down that wall?! Are you paying your workers a livable wage?! You'd better know who you're messing with, buddy!
The Monstrous Creature picks up the hardbitten reporter and squishes her into bloody goo before it can even pop her into its mouth.
Hardbitten reporter 2: Eeeeek!
Solon-like Editor 1: Heeeeeelp!
The Monstrous Creature looks down upon the pathetic crying newsies. Is there a tinge of human-like pity in its eyes? Have their cries awakened something in the creature that could even be called "human?"
The creature draws back for a moment. It seems the remaining reporter and editor - both now bawling and cuddling together like panicky little girls - might have been spared. But then....
A jet of super-atomic cheap special effects shoots from the mouth of the creature instantly vaporizing them both.
Oh, what more senseless destruction will ensue from man's inability to let the forces of nature alone? Where will the creature turn next in its pursuit of its inscrutable desire for carnage?! (I dunno, but if you're in Minneapolis I wouldn't ride the light rail anytime soon, if you know what I'm sayin'.)
Hardbitten reporter 1: No, no, I'm pretty sure the people don't fall for any of that. I mean, they know we're on their side against the powerful.
Hardbitten reporter 2: It just makes me so damn mad! Why do people even read that garbage in the... what does Nick call them again? The Bah-lawgs or something? Anyway we obviously struck a nerve. I can already smell the Pulitzer. Imagine if we'd kept silent.
Hardbitten reporter 1: Yep. Like we'd been doing right up until the October before the election.
Hardbitten reporter 2: Exactly. The closer the election came the more of a journalistic reason to report on this.
Hardbitten reporter 1: And it's not like the paper didn't carry similarly hard-hitting exposees on his competitor.
Solon-like Editor 1: Don't mean to interrupt, but I couldn't help over-hearing while getting my cheddar chive Fridays potato skins from the vending machine (note to potential advertisers... this kind of juicy product placement is totally for sale here) but I'm totally behind you guys.
Hardbitten reporter 1: Thanks, chief. I mean... Editor whom we hardly even know, what with our firm wall of separation between editorializing and reporting here at the newspaper.
(Solon-like Editor 1 gives a quizzical expression, then suddenly nods.)
Solon-like Editor 1: OOOOOoooohhh!! Riiiight! The "wall of separation"!
(Solon-like Editor winks.)
Solon-like Editor 1: I gotcha now.
Suddenly and without warning, making this talk of a "wall of separation" seem rather ironic, the actual wall separating the break room from the outdoors is smashed open by a gargantuan leathery green hand.
Monstrous Creature: RAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
Had the creature been less intent on savage destruction and more intent on intellectual debate he might have engaged these hardbitten reporters and Solon-like editors on the merits of their arguments. He might have made points worthy of discussion.
Sadly, the cruel power of the atom had twisted this creature into a thing of rage and destruction....
Hardbitten reporter 1: Hey! Did you have a permit for taking down that wall?! Are you paying your workers a livable wage?! You'd better know who you're messing with, buddy!
The Monstrous Creature picks up the hardbitten reporter and squishes her into bloody goo before it can even pop her into its mouth.
Hardbitten reporter 2: Eeeeek!
Solon-like Editor 1: Heeeeeelp!
The Monstrous Creature looks down upon the pathetic crying newsies. Is there a tinge of human-like pity in its eyes? Have their cries awakened something in the creature that could even be called "human?"
The creature draws back for a moment. It seems the remaining reporter and editor - both now bawling and cuddling together like panicky little girls - might have been spared. But then....
A jet of super-atomic cheap special effects shoots from the mouth of the creature instantly vaporizing them both.
Oh, what more senseless destruction will ensue from man's inability to let the forces of nature alone? Where will the creature turn next in its pursuit of its inscrutable desire for carnage?! (I dunno, but if you're in Minneapolis I wouldn't ride the light rail anytime soon, if you know what I'm sayin'.)
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Posted by Doug Williams on
Wednesday October 11, 2006 at 10:48pm
