Bogus Gold

One of the wonderful things about having a blog is how people come to rely upon you as a important source of information. You can tell this because of the kind of web searches that bring people to your blog. I get people surfing in here looking for important information on decomposing mice, the occasional wine review, and of course that super-hot picture of Caterina Murino.

However there are times when you can't help but feel you've let some inquisitive visitors down; times when you can tell that your blog failed to help them in their quest for information. And so, as I have occasionally done in the past, I intend to make it up to some of those people by answering their questions.

The following are actual questions people typed into search engines that somehow landed them here.

"who will hire me? i'm a 54 year old man"

The good news for you is that the economy is booming at the moment. The bad news is you seem to think a qualification like being 54 years old is what employers are looking for. Sadly for you, they tend to be more impressed by things like useful skills, prior experience, and good personal hygiene. Give your resume another shot and then come back for more advice.

"why is gold important"

It may surprise you to learn this, but gold is basically just a shiny rock and is not inherently important. However, anything people will pay close to $650 per ounce for is important for the same reason a fat roll of twenty dollar bills is important: because you can rub it in the face of poor people and feel superior.

"when's the last time minnesota's federal wage increased?"

You might find this unusual, but Minnesota is actually a state and not a sovereign nation. Therefore Minnesota's federal minimum wage (I'm presuming we're talking about minimum wage here) increased is the last time the federal minimum wage increased for everyone else. True story.

"what kind of medical problems does paula abdul claim to have"

Whatever it takes to get her the best pills.

"what is the lifespan of a macaroni penguin"

Is the macaroni cooked, or uncooked? Come on, people. I'm not a mind reader.

"what are some things that were invented when Rutherford B. Hayes was president?"

Let's see. Hayes was president from March 4, 1877 through March 4, 1881. Interestingly enough on the very day of his inauguration, the microphone was invented by Emile Berliner. So there's one for you. Thomas Edison invented the phonograph later that year. Speaking of Edison, the first successful light bulb was invented while Hayes was president. The cash register was invented in 1880 by James and John Ritty.

All of that's according to Wikipedia, so it must be true.

"what everyday house chemicals cause explosions?"

I don't know, but I have a few guesses. The Formula 409 has always seemed a little shifty to me. And whenever I ask it about it's whereabouts at the time of the Oklahoma City bombing he clams up. And that darned household chemicals mutual code of silence makes the Clorox and Bon-Ami useless as snitches. Just play it safe and don't let them see where you keep your fireworks and you should be fine.

There we are. Another public service performed by a responsible member of the new media. You may all politely applaud now.