Every year without fail they tell us "This is the most talented group we've ever had." Every year without fail I fall for it. I mean, it just makes sense. The show gets more and more popular, so more and more people want to try out. The larger the size of the talent pool, the wider that metaphorical pop-star catching tuna net gets spread. Yet, as the last couple of seasons showed us, what looks like a really talented bunch at the start can get exposed as a collection of one-trick ponies rather than pop-star... um... tuna (I'll try to find a better metaphor before I get to the girls, because that would be wrong) very quickly.
Pretty freakin' well if last night was any example. I know. I know. I just said I fall for this every year. And I just said it takes time to find out if these tuna fish can handle the long swim up-stream... wait... now they're
?! I've got to find a better metaphor! Aww, hell I might as well just embrace it. It's not like I have something better at the moment.
Here's the first impression of "the guys" this year, in order of their appearence.
David Hernandez: "The Goldfish." There's nothing wrong with goldfish. They just aren't very special or memorable. You flush them down the toilet without much of a second thought when they've run their course, and it's not a long course. This guy can sing, but by the time the other eleven performances had finished I had literally forgotten him. Good enough voice I don't think he should go yet, but I wouldn't be remotely surprised if he did.
Chikezie Eze: "The Flounder." What the hell was this guy thinking when he put together that cheesy (rhymes with "Eze"... well... it actually doesn't, but maybe it should) lounge act?! This guy actually can sing, and got some nice AI pimpage in the audition rounds and he came out trying to woo us with an homage to Barry White and The Love Boat?! Start over.
David Cook: "The Barracuda." To quote from Jaws from memory, "You yell 'barracuda' everybody goes, 'huh? what?'.... You yell 'shark'... and we've got a panic." Davie-boy strikes me as a barracuda in this competition. He's cool, slick, and talented enough to snap up a lot of the competition, but probably flying under the radar. I quite enjoyed how cool he made the saccharine "Happy Together."
Jason Yeager: "The Trout." Trout are eaten. By other fish. By people. Tasty, tasty trout. Jason is going to get gobbled up, if not this week then soon. He's riding upon a cute story about a son fond of his daddy, and that's not enough to make us want to inflict another "Moon River" performance upon us again. Trout also live in rivers, just to drive that one into the ground.
Robbie Carrico: "The Nurse Shark." Nurse sharks kind of appear dangerous. After all... they're sharks. But these are the sharks that sleep happily on the bottom of the tanks in aquariums and let divers pet them. Still... kind of cool. Just not scary or anything. Robbie is trying to build himself up as "the rocker" this year. Nahhh. He kind of looks the part. But as he already admitted, his former band once toured with Brittney Spears. Lead-in acts for Musketeers aren't rockers, dude. Still... kinda cool. His performance of "One" upped what we got from David Cook earlier as best performance of the night to that point.
David Archuleta: "The Koi." Like a prized koi carp, David is eagerly sought by wealthy collecters. Simon Cowell's eyes light up with dollar signs every time he walks on stage (and one can only imagine the avaricious lust in
Clive Davis' heart as he watches from the shadows and plans the recording contract). This kid is
money some day in some fashion. He looks like he walked off his own show on the Disney Channel already. And he comes across in the most believable shy, modest, and likable way. Anyway... he sang "Shop Around," which I thought would be corny, but ended up with a kind of infectious "
That Thing You Do" (very underrated movie, by the way) charm to it. This kid is easily in the top 12, and the first
serious contender to win we'd seen to that point.
Danny Noriega: "The Clown Fish." Clown fish come across as funny just because we call them "clown." But really they're prized and cool for other qualities. The producers on this show seem intent on beclowning an otherwise charming and talented kid with Danny. But he's got enough going for him otherwise he might survive it. He will NOT survive it by playing into it, as he did by singing Jail House Rock last night. That's playing to type a bit TOO much (on more than one level, but I'm not going there). The banter he had with the judges afterward was funny, but kind of in the way the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" team is funny. I'm not outing anyone here. Just sayin'.
Luke Menard: "The Minnow." For a guy who got literally no production pimpage in the audition rounds, you'd think he would want to come around and make a big impression. However Luke thought outside the box there, and managed to seem as tiny and insignificant in this thing as the producers had treated him so far. Dull. Boring. Didn't stand out. Going to be quickly eaten by the bigger fish around.
Colton Berry: "The Flying Fish." Flying fish are just kind of... surprising. You think you have them pegged, and then they go out and do something you didn't think possible. And Colton pulling off Elvis' "Suspicious Minds," which had me cringing when he started, but nodding in surprise by the time he finished, was pretty surprising. The judges were not on the same page as me here, but really, I thought he was quite good. And I didn't expect that.
Garrett Haley: "Flipper." All right, I know. Flipper was a dolphin, not a fish. The point is, you know Flipper because he was famous and on television. We "know" Garrett because he looks like either Leif Garrett or Peter Frampton, depending on who you ask. He got no build up in the audition footage. Hey... didn't Flipper get canceled, like, a long time ago? Nostalgic value may keep Garrett around for a bit, but his voice was really weak compared to the rest of the field, and I don't think his throw-back image is enough to keep him around long.
Jason Castro: "The Swordfish." Swordfish are strong, prized, and difficult to catch. Jason Castro is one to watch in this thing. Unlike others who got no audition round buildup, Jason came out and owned the stage and charmed the audience. He was the only one who took advantage of the new gimmick this year and played an instrument (the guitar) while he sang. He made "What A Day For A Daydream" sound current and infectious. Even as he warbled on some of the notes, he gave it enough personality and style that it almost seemed more authentic like that. My favorite performance of the night.
Michael Johns: "The Tiger Shark." I'm not saying the other contestants are
necessarily all going to be eaten by this guy. They'd just better hope he's not that hungry. Because the producers love him. The judges love him. And I suspect the audience will too. He's got
Ace Young level good looks, but a voice and personality that come across more like
Jim Morrison than boy-band Ace. He didn't hurt that image by singing the Doors' "Light My Fire," and doing it really well. He's got a gravelly, menacing sound to his singing which recalls
Chris Daughtry at times, and he's not doing too badly these days.
Okay, to sum it up... Top three of the night were David Archuleta, Jason Castro, and Michael Johns. Nipping at their heels were David Cook, Robbie Carrico and maybe (surprisingly) Colton Berry. Screwed up but probably don't deserve to go for it yet are Chikezie Eze, and Danny Noriega. Deserving to become the evening's fish food are: David Hernandez, Jason Yeager, Luke Menard and Garrett Haley. I'd probably pick Jason Yeager and Luke Menard to go, but I'll bet David Hernandez ends up going in one of their spots.
I think Chikezie just made a goofy choice, yet I got the feeling he could be better. But I wouldn't be stunned to see him go either.